I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
