everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
