I swear she didn't look like that last week.
birth control should be required to get into college
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
