Me. At least after what I've been through.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
