Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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