Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
