wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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