True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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