why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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