I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
