I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
