I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
