the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
