nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
