This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
