I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
