your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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