New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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