The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
