She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
