Already got asked if we're dating
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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