when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
