Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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