apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
