the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
