I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
