Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
