I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
