The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
