Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
