Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dignity is for republicans.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize