Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
