I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
