My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize