Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
