having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
