I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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