I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Did I show you my penis last night?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
