I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
