I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
