He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
