Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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