he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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