I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
