Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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