Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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