I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
