and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
