I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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