Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
