I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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