you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
