I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
