My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
COCAINE IS GR8
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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