my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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