Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize