the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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