OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
