I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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