Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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