i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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