ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize