When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
