Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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