Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
