If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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