Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
