whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
